When You’re Okay and Everyone Else is Not

Be the Peace that you are…. Thanks Lori and much love

The Awakened Dreamer

woman2My healthy, athletic 60-year-old husband had a stroke four days ago. He collapsed while visiting his elderly parents in a a small town at least an eight hour drive from Vancouver–as the story goes, he stood up from the sofa to head toward the dining room for dinner and felt dizzy.

Next thing he knew he was regaining consciousness on the floor, bleeding from a head wound that would later require stitches. He soon realized he could not move his right arm and leg. Needless to say, his parents called an ambulance.

I got word of what was happening almost immediately–his mom called his son, who Facebook messaged me. (One of the blessings of FB, I suppose). A flurry of calls ensued: I spoke with his distraught mother. I called his daughter. I emailed a few of his closest friends. And I reached out to all the healers we know for long-distance…

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#AtoZChallenge Reflection

We were asked to reflect upon our 26 days of blogging for the #AtoZChallenge.

I have to say it was a challenge to write each day!  It was my very first structured, what usually works with me, daily writing on unplanned subjects.  There were words written down for each letter but I really had no strategy.  Well, that’s not true.  I had a strategy to just get through it.

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Being completely naive about blogging and its culture, I was really in Spanish immersion.  I visited sites every day sometimes two or three but had difficulty in finding a place on Blogspot to like the pieces.  I found myself spending more time reading the variety of sites than writing my own.  Towards the end I found myself only visiting WordPress sites where I could indicate a visit.  Now I am spending time on all the ones I wasn’t able to hit.

As the challenge progressed I found motivation from those who visited my posts.  Everyday I began to see regular visitors who gave me confidence in my writing.  I am more confident but I still don’t sense myself in my writing.  I know that probably sounds funny.  It will change I know as I continue writing.  This has been a very amazing experience.  I have learned how much I do like to write.  I will probably be back next year; maybe a tad wiser and at least more seasoned.

To all who stopped by during this challenge I deeply thank you.  Yes, you were the light at the end of the tunnel for me.  Mostly you were my muse and touched me more than I think you realized.  Through your visits I grew and gained a sense of community in a very large world.  Each of you embodied the essence of “Being Nice”.  Thank you!  To the organizers of this challenge, Bravo!  It was such a great experience to enter an entirely different world, make new friends, and discover more of me.

Congrats to everyone who made it to the end!

Yesterday

The Beatles came at the beginning of my formative years.  I have older siblings so there was other music introduced to me before the Beatles.  I liked some of their earlier stuff but never quite got into the screaming, hormonal condition of so many fans.  Previously music was not so much about the lyrics for me as it was about the notes.  Playing an instrument in school gave me the opportunity to feel into the music itself.  There were lots of songs I sang around the house, singing parts with mumbled sounds when the words escaped me, dancing with the record covers in my hands so the words were close, and then there was one song whose phrases just stuck.

“Yesterday ”

All my troubles seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though they’re here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday……

There’s a shadow hanging over me,
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

I knew this was about a love gone wrong but that is not what I heard or what struck me deepest.  I was 12.  The concept of love that had come and gone was non-existent.  I hadn’t been bitten yet!  It was the concept of ‘Yesterday’.  How it was a specific time in space.  It wasn’t just about memories.  It marked events.  It could mark you.  It carried a “Danger, Will Robinson, Danger sign.  It became a rite of passage for me.  “Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away.”  Yet there was another aspect to Yesterday.  It could change today and tomorrow.  It could return to haunt you or drive you further.  It was something to be reckoned.  It could stop you.  You could get stuck in it.

Allowing yesterday to determine your identity left you stuck and only partial of the self you were.  It does become a shadow, casting out the light of today, the mist of tomorrow, holding you captive.  There is an art to turning yesterday into today.  It isn’t an art only open to lyricists, painters, and writers.  Oh no, it is available to all who want to live to the fullest possible self.

As others fell deeper in love with John, Paul, and George I fell to pondering their lyrics and those of others.  I took to analyzing all songwriters as my world grew.  What were they doing with these lyrics?  Where they writing with a higher energy bringing metaphors and symbols to waken me, stop me in my tracks, push and pull me when I grew tired, or were they just singing what I felt deep inside.  There were some genres I did not resonate with no matter how often I listened.  Some music struck me but the words repulsed me.  It was those who wrote with the same cadence of essence as “Yesterday”.  The same mysticism in the lyrics of that song appeared in other songwriters.  It was those songs that stuck a chord deep within me.  A chord that cautioned me on miring myself deeper when I should be moving forward.  Years later I can still feel that mark of time, that essence of those simple lyrics whenever it is played.

Music played its secondary roll of fun, stages, and road trips all through my life as it does for all of us.  I can dance for hours, sing at the top of my lungs completely out of tune, joyous in the moment every time I hear music.  It brings back days of youth, special occasions, love won and lost but it is the mysticism that holds my soul.  It is the timelessness, the universality and connectedness.

Awake your soul!  Let Yesterday be yesterday!

Y

 

 

 

Jump

So often we find ourselves at the edge, sometimes almost daily, to our world and wondering whether to jump or not.  What if, for just this posting our choices were far more than just jump, would you consider other options?

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Imagine if you will wandering towards the point of decision and what appears to you is the only option of jumping.  Taking that leap, plugging your nose and jumping into the vast deep expanse of the unknown becomes a terrifying decision.  Perhaps you have jumped so many times before that it isn’t terrifying but none-the-less a bit of fear appears on the horizon and a decision must be made.

Now imagine as you walk to the edge standing beside you is another you.  They turn and wink at you pull out a long expansive bridge, place it across the chasm in front of you and walk across leaving you standing there.  As you gape at them in disbelief, another you walks up, smiles, turns to their right and walks off.  Now you are completely boggled at the scenes appearing before you, forgetting why you are standing here, scratching your head trying your best to make sense of this all and yep, you guessed it, another you appears.

Being brave you venture to speak to the aspect of you in hopes of gleaning where they have come from only to find that you are way to busy to stop and chat.  You toss a lasso to the other side and pull the chasm close to you and step across.

Falling to your seat after this last meeting of self your mind spins with no explanation appearing.  This can’t possibly be happening.  Who are all these You’s and why so many options?

Parallel realities exist and are easily accessible.  There isn’t just one option to all our decisions and yes there isn’t just one Right option to our decisions.  Philosophers, poets, and writers have all spoken about alternate and parallel realities; Alice in Wonderland, The Matrix,  The String Theory, shamans, and Plato to name a few.

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/blogs/physics/2012/11/a-guide-to-different-kinds-of-parallel-universes/

The next time you are standing at the edge deciding to jump, pause, sit down, look to your left, look to your right and see who is standing beside you, pour a cup and ask what they think is an option.  You might be surprised at all your options.  Take the leap and Jump!

The Soul Traveler

 

J-2

 

 

Buckwheat???

Seriously buckwheat?  Why in the world would that be the word for my “B” post?  Because!

Buckwheat

“I want pancakes, I want pancakes!”  Screamed my inner child as I yawned and stretched pouring liquid gold into my cup.  The older saner adult perused the request for flaws.  Pancakes are consumed at the risk of hips and hearts.  Filling the stomach with all matters of putrid ingredients unbecoming a highly educated adult and lacking the sensible choices of a refined palate, I chose to go with the adult.  Completely non-plussed, “I want pancakes, I want pancakes!!”  chirped the inner child.  Strolling upon the scene the always wise 20-something chimed in, ‘Buckwheat is nectar from heaven.  It is not a wheat.  It is actually a fruit and grrreat for your cholesterol!  Lots of fiber, top with sliced pear to sweeten and Bam you’ve hit a home run. Or we could just play

and perhaps distract her?’

Not knowing what I truly wanted to do except to consume more liquid gold, I gave in and began the search.  My inner child distracted by the morning dance with 20-something missed the compilation of ingredients for buckwheat pancakes the nectar of adults.  Amidst the jubilation of her inner most desires being met once again, I turned and pondered, what had I been feeding myself.  Was the food worth the effort?  Was my strict adherence to “all things best” really what fed my soul?  Could combining all the wisdom and desires of all aspects of self be the super nutrient?  What was I lacking in my soul diet?

Sitting and savoring this incredible often misunderstood food, I realized what fed me …  joy.

 

 

Copyright © 2014 Teri Connolly. All Rights ReservedB

 

Don’t hit delete ….

I am working on designing my website. I have hired someone, well not just someone, but the most awesome, intuitive, creative woman with the capacity to help me :-0.  As I have been playing around with some of my ideas I create a section called Journal.  Now this is really my blog space but I like the way journal feels.  It is not abrupt, a four letter word, and something I have not kept!  Sounds like a perfect title besides doesn’t everyone want to read everyone’s ‘journal’?  It might contain fifty shades of grey, right?

Not mine…. 😉  But it will have 50 shades of grey because life is not Black and White…

As I am “designing” I begin to come up with these incredibly awesome short titles for pieces in my journal.  I save them and go on about my business returning several days later.  Now it has been some time since I visited my website and my brain has fogged over.  Never a good thing with me.  I go in to my site and start playing around.  I decide I wanted to delete the template pictures and add my own.  Well I hit the DELETE button and wham everything is gone… picture and cute catchy phrase.  Shit, shit, shit!!

I have these fantastic moments where stuff just flows.  I know I am so connected with my soul and spirit that what I am writing is so free of any judgement and filled with beauty and love and those phrases where just that.  I was like what happened here.  Checking to make sure I was in the right space for creating, yep I am there, I begin to wonder what is up.  I hear, pick another, so first one up is “don’t hit delete”!  Hmmmmmm!!

So what is the message to me in this?  I have a wonderful habit of letting go of things no longer needed, an ability to just close off to people either hurtful or no longer in alignment with me, I hit delete a lot!  When I was younger it really was a natural thing for me to see things were over and just move on and then those moments, and we all have them, when the story of our life began to hurt.  It wasn’t just uncomfortable, it hurt!  How I coped with it was to really strengthen my Delete button!  I would find the strength and then “DELETE” and poof people, things, places were gone.  It became my shield against all odds.  I had a dear friend once tell me how uncanny it was that I could just walk away from things and she wondered out loud if she would be one of my Delete friends.  She didn’t really paint my ability as something wonderful.  It was more like “you can really cut people out” and it made me look at this ability; this shadow side of me.

I loved it when computers came along and we had the Delete key and then the ultimate – Ctrl, Alt, Del –  This combination became a shaman’s tool.  Day really tough, Ctrl, Alt, Del, boss a nuisance CAD, struggling with personal issues, CAD!!  You have the ability to Control the story, Alter the story, and Delete the old story for the new true story.

This ability is really a combination tool for me.  My shadow side can and will walk away from people, places, and things without a moment of pause.  I am not one to argue and plead for things to change for very long.  And the walking away can be an unwillingness to not engage in confrontation.  I do not like yelling, bickering, forcing the other to see your side or win the argument.  So I know when it is time to walk and I go and this isn’t always the best solution to the relationship.  I often times don’t leave an explanation behind in my dust.  I just go.

Not everyone thinks and solves problems the way I do.  I am a bullet point person.  You whine too much for too long, Delete; you turn down invite after invite too often, Delete; you hurt me or my family, Delete; you are no longer beneficial to our wellbeing and happiness, Delete.  It is not because I am impatient.  It is because I feel and sense deep down and am present to the ebb and flow of life.  I know that often times our paths will cross again if we are to continue.  I know that so much of our life is done alone and must be experienced alone.  I know that we often stop our growth and capacity to expand our ability to love when we hang around way after the dance has ended.  I don’t walk to hurt, I walk because I have heard ‘The time is now’ and I listen to my guidance even when others think I am delusional and need psychiatric help; even dear family members.

Am I brave. Nope!  I just follow a still small voice that has stood beside me, laughed with me, healed me, and allowed me to see the me that I am.  My soul has been with me through every up and down and detour.  Every joy and tear drenched moment.  My soul knows the story of my life in its truest form.  My soul knows that I love so deeply, I relish the sparkle in everyone’s eyes, and to hurt another is so painful for me.

So the next time you see someone use the Delete….  Remember if you don’t hit delete you can’t move forward. WAM Solitary woman with shadow

1000 Awesome …

bubbles

Who knew if you started counting those times that you were caught off guard by the ordinary that toes and fingers would not be enough?

I decided that if I really was so taken by life that I should start taking stock.  Was there just one thing that drew me, was it only in the morning, what about when I wanted to take a Calgon bath to the stars, or was I just blowing smoke up my head?

Nope.  It didn’t show up in a pattern, only when I had had enough, or when I was in contemplation.  It showed up when I least expected it.  I would giggle, or tear up and I actually drive my office mate insane.

It does include those moments when the hummingbird sits quietly on his perch beside you, when the sun sinks deep past the mountains leaving gorgeous pink striations, and the quietness of the snow falling for its first winter show.

It also shows up in the calmness as you step outside the workplace, the click of your key into the front door lock after a trip, the sound of the train as it moves through the town, and the tick-tock of the clock as you sit and type.

I do relish everything in my life.  I relish those times I come home with a list of things to accomplish before 9pm and I find myself sitting on the couch surfing the web with the list being put off one more night.  It gives me a moment to give myself permission to not be Type A, a label I firmly believe is false, permission to welcome the shadow side of me that rebels against established expectations, permission to once again release my past parochial discipline, and permission to allow me to give up the fight.  I have found the more there is NO reaction to my not accomplishing the “list” the list isn’t necessary.  My evening isn’t mapped out, my time doesn’t run out, and I have managed to have 1000 awesome moments by letting my life unfold as it wants right beside that ordinary tasks.

Don’t get me wrong I still accomplish items that are important to me, ticking them off as I move from them to the next, but I no longer have any expectations about timelines, perfection, or even meeting the initial design.  If I make a list it is because I have found that with walking in two worlds I can loose track of the seasoning needed for my recipe when distracted by a non-ordinary discovery.   By not having expectations, I discover the joy in the moment, the essence of this time in life, this nano-second that so often goes unnoticed.  It was when I gave myself permission to stop the madness that I began to grasp the concept of Being in the Now.  This concept, honestly, baffled the hell out of me.  It was always explained, in my perception, in lofty terms.  It was not until I began to heal and embrace all of my light and shadow that I could comprehend Being in the Now.  The comprehension came in layers and I took opportunities from my work day to incorporate how BITN felt. The discovery of sitting working on a project to find hours had moved on was exactly Being in the Now.

So the essence of life for me is the 1000 awesome discovered moments that eluded me because the story I had been writing closed them off.  And now they are front and center not to be shoved aside but running towards me to become the Ahhhh