I am working on designing my website. I have hired someone, well not just someone, but the most awesome, intuitive, creative woman with the capacity to help me :-0. As I have been playing around with some of my ideas I create a section called Journal. Now this is really my blog space but I like the way journal feels. It is not abrupt, a four letter word, and something I have not kept! Sounds like a perfect title besides doesn’t everyone want to read everyone’s ‘journal’? It might contain fifty shades of grey, right?
Not mine…. 😉 But it will have 50 shades of grey because life is not Black and White…
As I am “designing” I begin to come up with these incredibly awesome short titles for pieces in my journal. I save them and go on about my business returning several days later. Now it has been some time since I visited my website and my brain has fogged over. Never a good thing with me. I go in to my site and start playing around. I decide I wanted to delete the template pictures and add my own. Well I hit the DELETE button and wham everything is gone… picture and cute catchy phrase. Shit, shit, shit!!
I have these fantastic moments where stuff just flows. I know I am so connected with my soul and spirit that what I am writing is so free of any judgement and filled with beauty and love and those phrases where just that. I was like what happened here. Checking to make sure I was in the right space for creating, yep I am there, I begin to wonder what is up. I hear, pick another, so first one up is “don’t hit delete”! Hmmmmmm!!
So what is the message to me in this? I have a wonderful habit of letting go of things no longer needed, an ability to just close off to people either hurtful or no longer in alignment with me, I hit delete a lot! When I was younger it really was a natural thing for me to see things were over and just move on and then those moments, and we all have them, when the story of our life began to hurt. It wasn’t just uncomfortable, it hurt! How I coped with it was to really strengthen my Delete button! I would find the strength and then “DELETE” and poof people, things, places were gone. It became my shield against all odds. I had a dear friend once tell me how uncanny it was that I could just walk away from things and she wondered out loud if she would be one of my Delete friends. She didn’t really paint my ability as something wonderful. It was more like “you can really cut people out” and it made me look at this ability; this shadow side of me.
I loved it when computers came along and we had the Delete key and then the ultimate – Ctrl, Alt, Del – This combination became a shaman’s tool. Day really tough, Ctrl, Alt, Del, boss a nuisance CAD, struggling with personal issues, CAD!! You have the ability to Control the story, Alter the story, and Delete the old story for the new true story.
This ability is really a combination tool for me. My shadow side can and will walk away from people, places, and things without a moment of pause. I am not one to argue and plead for things to change for very long. And the walking away can be an unwillingness to not engage in confrontation. I do not like yelling, bickering, forcing the other to see your side or win the argument. So I know when it is time to walk and I go and this isn’t always the best solution to the relationship. I often times don’t leave an explanation behind in my dust. I just go.
Not everyone thinks and solves problems the way I do. I am a bullet point person. You whine too much for too long, Delete; you turn down invite after invite too often, Delete; you hurt me or my family, Delete; you are no longer beneficial to our wellbeing and happiness, Delete. It is not because I am impatient. It is because I feel and sense deep down and am present to the ebb and flow of life. I know that often times our paths will cross again if we are to continue. I know that so much of our life is done alone and must be experienced alone. I know that we often stop our growth and capacity to expand our ability to love when we hang around way after the dance has ended. I don’t walk to hurt, I walk because I have heard ‘The time is now’ and I listen to my guidance even when others think I am delusional and need psychiatric help; even dear family members.
Am I brave. Nope! I just follow a still small voice that has stood beside me, laughed with me, healed me, and allowed me to see the me that I am. My soul has been with me through every up and down and detour. Every joy and tear drenched moment. My soul knows the story of my life in its truest form. My soul knows that I love so deeply, I relish the sparkle in everyone’s eyes, and to hurt another is so painful for me.