Who knew if you started counting those times that you were caught off guard by the ordinary that toes and fingers would not be enough?
I decided that if I really was so taken by life that I should start taking stock. Was there just one thing that drew me, was it only in the morning, what about when I wanted to take a Calgon bath to the stars, or was I just blowing smoke up my head?
Nope. It didn’t show up in a pattern, only when I had had enough, or when I was in contemplation. It showed up when I least expected it. I would giggle, or tear up and I actually drive my office mate insane.
It does include those moments when the hummingbird sits quietly on his perch beside you, when the sun sinks deep past the mountains leaving gorgeous pink striations, and the quietness of the snow falling for its first winter show.
It also shows up in the calmness as you step outside the workplace, the click of your key into the front door lock after a trip, the sound of the train as it moves through the town, and the tick-tock of the clock as you sit and type.
I do relish everything in my life. I relish those times I come home with a list of things to accomplish before 9pm and I find myself sitting on the couch surfing the web with the list being put off one more night. It gives me a moment to give myself permission to not be Type A, a label I firmly believe is false, permission to welcome the shadow side of me that rebels against established expectations, permission to once again release my past parochial discipline, and permission to allow me to give up the fight. I have found the more there is NO reaction to my not accomplishing the “list” the list isn’t necessary. My evening isn’t mapped out, my time doesn’t run out, and I have managed to have 1000 awesome moments by letting my life unfold as it wants right beside that ordinary tasks.
Don’t get me wrong I still accomplish items that are important to me, ticking them off as I move from them to the next, but I no longer have any expectations about timelines, perfection, or even meeting the initial design. If I make a list it is because I have found that with walking in two worlds I can loose track of the seasoning needed for my recipe when distracted by a non-ordinary discovery. By not having expectations, I discover the joy in the moment, the essence of this time in life, this nano-second that so often goes unnoticed. It was when I gave myself permission to stop the madness that I began to grasp the concept of Being in the Now. This concept, honestly, baffled the hell out of me. It was always explained, in my perception, in lofty terms. It was not until I began to heal and embrace all of my light and shadow that I could comprehend Being in the Now. The comprehension came in layers and I took opportunities from my work day to incorporate how BITN felt. The discovery of sitting working on a project to find hours had moved on was exactly Being in the Now.
So the essence of life for me is the 1000 awesome discovered moments that eluded me because the story I had been writing closed them off. And now they are front and center not to be shoved aside but running towards me to become the Ahhhh